The words that hurt us when we make this choice, and our loved ones do not support our choices
Guilt trip 1:
Many of you have had this. I know we did. That person or people in your world who hears that you plan on moving to a different country, not specifically Ireland even, and immediately pins the tag on you that you are a "traitor" for leaving South Africa. Often this jest is covered by the cover as being a joke, but trust you me, it sticks in your head. It also repeats itself in your thought process on more than one occasion.
The truth is that this is not the only thing you will find yourself contemplating.
You will feel guilt at some point because you are leaving South Africa, but not because you are a traitor. People will ask you how can South Africa become better if everyone leaves. They will say you should stay and fight the good fight. You will be made to feel you are abandoning the people that you love who you are leaving behind.
It is important though that you remember that there is no war you are absconding from. This was something I had to tell myself on several occasions. How is staying making it better for our children? By staying, I felt that we were doing our children a big injustice. When my children grow up, I want them to know that as parents we meant it when we said we would do whatever we were capable of to give them the best future we possibly could. That includes leaving a life we know and love so they have the best chance of having secure, safe futures. The chance of building a life without built in fear and hyper alertness because something as simple as stopping at a robot (haha, felt strange now to not say traffic light, but 5 years away will do that to you!) can cost you your car, or even worse your life.
One also has to remember that often the people who make these statements are the ones who don't have a chance to leave. You have to remember that they need to safeguard their own emotions about that fact and the only way they can do that is by making themselves feel like it is a duty they are fulfilling. It has nothing to do with you leaving. Often they have nothing but envy for the fact that you are, but you know how it goes. if you acknowledge that you are stuck in a less desirable position, rather than making it a choice of honour, you are really left with nothing but sadness, and it's human nature to avoid that.
Remember that. Remember when you look at your children. |This is how I processed it in my mind: Let's say it take 10 years for South Africa to make an about turn and start healing. How long will it take after that for her to be complete again? What is 10 years? Well, it's the difference between being a 6 year old and a 16 year old. it's almost the entire duration of a school education. I was not willing to take the chance. In the hypothetical 10 years, I would have in hind sight have gambled with their entire education. The unknown was a better option for me in that our children would have a genuine chance at a prosperous future,
And besides. My vote counts as much here as it does when I am in South Africa. I make sure I use my voice that way. By being here, we are able to financially support people in South Africa, which we were not able to do while living in South Africa, where every day brought it's own challenges. Life in Ireland has it's own challenges. But let's be honest, the chances making it through every day are much higher. Even just from the point of view that you are not on 24/7 high alert and can actually sleep without possible burglars or mosquito bites.
Your doing the best you have the ability to do for your children does not make you a traitor, in fact, imagine the alternative where you stay and one day your children blame you because you had the opportunity to give them a better life, but chose to stay because you didn't want to upset your uncle.
Guilt trip 2:
The Guilt of leaving loved ones behind. I'm not going to lie here. This is a shit one. And there really isn't a hellava lot you can do about it. You love people in your life. Family, friends, that friendly aunt at church. We can't bring them all with and in order for you to be here, you have to leave. And if you leave and they can't come with, you have to leave them behind. And when you see them again, everything will be slightly different. Their lives have to go on without you in it, just like yours has to adapt to do everything without them. New friendships will form and when you get there, your best friend will have another best friend. Remember to just be happy for them. You want them to be happy for the things that are going well in your life. Don't be jealous about the things that go right in theirs.
We chose to leave. That inevitably means there are some of the people who you are really close to who may pass on or move away or kind of just fade out of your life because of time differences and lives being busy. Don't feel guilty about this. This would have happened even if you moved to another area, town or province. It has nothing to do with you moving country, but everything to do with it being life. Just like you aren't close to everyone you knew in primary school, but you are still with some. Same thing. Except now you are a big boy or girl, and we can deal with this better. Remember the way in which you connect will be different, but nothing stops the connection. I speak to my mother every day now. I didn't before we left. Strangely, this move has made us closer than we were before. And that just shows that there is no need to feel guilty.
Guilt trip 3:
You are happy.
This is a strange one. You will find in the beginning you post a gazillion pictures to show everyone back "home" how you made the right move. You tag the world and check in everywhere. And then one day, you come to realise that you are becoming settled in your new life. And then you find yourself sort of sabotaging that happiness. You see how things are not getting better in South Africa and feel guilty because your life leaves very little to complain about, but you don't want to go on about how happy you are because by now your uncle who called you a traitor has asked for help to look into ways to move over himself and several people you know have lost their jobs. It might be something simple like having a glass of wine during lock down and knowing that your loved ones in SA can't.
You stop posting pictures of everything. You don't want them to feel unhappy with the lives they cant change. But this stops you from appreciating the things that make this move worth it.
For me it comes down to this. You took the gamble. It paid off. You can celebrate this without being smug about it. BUT DO CELEBRATE IT!
Give your children a high 5 after walking home from school and then give yourself a high 5 for not having to stress while you do! This is why you made the move. You did this so you can do these things, and by not acknowledging it it takes away the hugeness of what you did.
You gave up your security blanket and you chose to take the prize behind door number 3. Don't feel guilty.
One day when your children don't know what it feels like to stand at a traffic light looking out for possible highjackers, it will all have been worth it. And them NOT knowing that feeling, is nothing for you to feel guilty about!
Important links:
#MapMyMove- Our coaching Services - Confused or lost and need some direction, book a session with us to help untangle the confusion and work out your route of immigration
Steps to take in the Immigration process
Checklist of things to do before you leave South Africa
Bringing Non EU family to stay if you have an Irish or non EU passport
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