What do you mean I have PTSD?

 Image Copyright: Candice Clayton Viveiro

What do you mean I have PTSD? Let me start off by saying, I have zero qualifications to make that statement. It's more my interpretation of what I felt and what many other members have said they felt. This is not a medical assessment and this article should under no circumstances be read as anything more than an opinion piece.

I often remember the days back in school when it was the annual athletic meets.

I hear the chant in my mind:

"Who are we?!"

         "We are SAFFAS!!"

"What are we scared of?!"

          "Nothing!!"

"Why?!"

          "BECAUSE WE ARE SAFFAS!!!!!"

Here is the thing. When you are at your house in SA, you know you are safe as you could be. You know this, because you have double checked that the gates are locked. Even the gate in the passage has had a second look. 

You know the alarm is set, you checked it 3 times already during the evening and ran a test just a few days to see if the armed response guys do actually respond.

You feel at ease. The dogs are quiet, and you know they are OK, you gave them a nice pet just now now.

You can sleep soundly. All the windows are closed and the electric fence is in tip top shape. Now close your eyes and fade away into a deep sleep. Well, to a sleep. Ok, sort of sleep, with one ear open, just in case the dogs do bark, or there is a rattle at the gate.

But this is normal. You have discussions about the security you have often with your pal next door and your family. They vouch for the security company and you all speak the same language.

Tomorrow you will get in your car, which you carefully selected because of the extra security features. You will go to work and put in those extra free hours, because you are lucky to have a job, and you need to show your appreciation by giving more, even if you can't ever leave an hour early without receiving an eye roll because how dare you need to pick up your vomiting child early? Don't you realize how many other people they could have employed?

You will leave work and your handbag will be safely stowed underneath the seat and you will only become slightly tense if your phone rings. You won't even consider it breaking the law when you roll over the stop street rather than stop. You are simply being cautious and you will pretend not to see the street vendor wanting to sell you more hangers you don't need.

You will simply not stop at a robot. You will stop and assess what looks out of the norm at any bush, wall or street sign which is close enough to you for anyone to reach your car before the robot changes. Not only on the side where you are, but opposite and on either side of the cross road. At the same time. Us SAFFAS know how to multi task like this.

There is nothing strange about this. It is normal life. Ask anyone you know. They all do it too.

Then you move to Ireland...

As you walk to cross the road by Tesco, someone who has right of way slows down and stops. They let you cross. But, why? They didn't need to.

You go to the local Spar before school, and can only shake your head when you see someone has actually left their car idling, with the windows open. The keys are right there! Why is no one finding this strange? Everyone walks past like it's the most normal thing in the world. And there is a Pat the Baker delivery van. The back is open, the front door is open and the van is running, but where is the driver? Surely that is not him having coffee inside the shop? Right?

Then one day you find yourself in your kitchen doing dishes. Did you just hear something? The tiny hairs on the nape of your neck stands up. You intensify your hearing to super sonic, and yes, there it is! The something that is wrong reveals itself!

It is not the quiet that is wrong, it is not the fact that there is no one at the door that is wrong. There was someone at the door, but turns out it was a neighbour who left some cool drinks for the kids, because she was at the shop and thought they might like some.

None of this is wrong. THIS it turns out is what normal is.

The thing that is wrong is how we normalize everything that is wrong in South Africa. It is a coping mechanism, I get that. I mean, seriously, what is the alternative? Emigration? Hehe, apparently this helps.

But you will find yourself in that state of hyper-allertness for so many years, before you are able to fully realize how what your normal is is not normal. But in saying that, you have to also realize that because it is so not normal, people here simply can't identify with that. You will think you are getting people to understand more about you, and you will tell them about normal life in SA. You will be met with blank stares. It's like people discussing a movie you have never seen. You can't relate. You can't imagine it from the fragments they tell you.

People here don't understand the life you lived. But this is the bit that is important. Remember it's LIVED. Now you simply get to LIVE. Present tense. Make use of this Present. It is a gift. Never forget where you came from, but don't use your PTSD as a crutch not to let this gift in.. You jumped. That leap of faith is paying off. But you have to leave a door open before anyone else is able to walk in.

May your new Present that you get to LIVE allow you to realize the amazing things that can happen when you leave a figurative door open for a new life.

 


 

Important links:

 

  #MapMyMove- Our coaching Services - Confused or lost and need some direction, book a session with us to help untangle the confusion and work out your route of immigration

  Finding a home: Renting

  Schooling in Ireland

  Saffa to Irish and Irish to Saffa translations (Blog)

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